Episode One: Fifth of Vodka! Edit
The crew of the small dingy Titanic out of Port Brogan arrives in Barrensburg, Goneril with a few cloaks of resistance, a couple of soggy trail rations, and 100 flasks of Wolves' Milk worth 80GP each. Being the lawful sort, they feel the need to unload these hard drugs for some cold, hard cash before the cops, or local druglords, swoop in and murder them all in the face.
On a quick Knowledge Local, they realize there are two people in the city who could handle such a high volume of Wolves' Milk on such short notice: Vishnu, who is supposedly hiding out in a tavern on the east side of the city, and Anton Samsus, a brutal crimelord in the West Barrensburg slums. The group first passes an angry mob of Holy Returners who give them the evil eye and after a hasty Detect Evil, but the party is saved by a few goblin bureaucrats who start questioning everyone who wants to cross the Brogan River. The group bribes a goblin with 100GP in order to let them pass with saddlebags full of Wolves' Milk, and they manage to lose the Holy Returners in the confusion.
After a few mistaken bar runs, the party wanders into a tavern where a party is already raging and Vladomil and the Primakovs are rocking the main stage. After ordering a few fifths of vodka, downing them like PBR at a mailman's birthday party, and pretending to be Shiolay, the band is admitted audience with the extremely sick Vishnu, seeing a little girl with a huge fucking crossbow riding on a strange looking horse on their way out. They are a little scared once they realize Vishnu is working with such powerful individuals, and try to figure out a way to transport Vishnu with their limited means and limited power without catching the illness themselves and turning into violent, raging zombies.
The party decides that in order to have the funds to transport Vishnu, they have to sell their vials of Wolves' Milk. Luckily, they've heard that Neax Hiss is in the area for a limited time and he parked his ship a few hundred miles north along the Brogan River. They set off to go sell their hard drugs, but while trying to sneak out along the war-torn northern border they get in a fight with some Barrensburg soldiers. They attempt to forge a Letter of Passage from Queen Rebecc-is of Goneril, but the copy is so obviously fake that they end up having to Magic Missile and Assassin's Blade their way through the gates.
Episode Two: While in Corinth, Do as 1 Corinthians 13 Would Have You Do...Edit
Meanwhile, at the Rock Rock Rock in Corinth, Shiolay has been busy putting together an adventure party of his own in order to bring his precious Sword of Destiny to the top of Mount Malawi on the southern border of Nyasa before it's too late. Needless to say, after his experiences with The Company, he decided to have as many adventurers as possible. With him was Valera Oak III, a powerful ranger from the north, Umlata, a bardbarian of the Heckle school, and many others.
As Shiolay started the meeting, his adventurers quickly began to bicker about the various ways they could attempt to get passage to the mountain. Some considered passing by Donkeys through the Firemore Desert and then taking a ferry across the Nubian Sea from Bisau to Volta, then taking the roads down to Nargassy and roughing it to the mountain from there. Others wanted to take a ship to Nyasa City, with stops off in Xenteroth's Tower and Prospero for supplies, and then following the roads the rest of the way to the mountain. The argument continued until the bard, rather shyly, peeped up that a strange ship had just arrived from Yarmoth with undead patched in the portholes. Valera and Shiolay both shit bricks. It was the Jade Kracken, and they just had to steal it back from the evil Neax Hiss, come hell or high water.
Cut to: the docks, late at night.
Frumple, our nervously trumpet-playing gnome bard, attempts to distract the private docking company guards with an impromptu performance of The Sailor and the Barmaid. Meanwhile, Valera, Shiolay, and Peater Umaroff quietly remove the moorings around the Jade Kracken and try to raise the sails. Once the three realized that Shiolay was the only person who knew the first thing about sailing, and that was only because of his time on the Brazen Bowl using straight wisdom checks, Shiolay tries to keep his voice down as he stage-whispers orders across the deck and walks the other thieves through the process. The bard attempts to cover for them by turning it up to 11, but the guards are getting restless and one of them spots a sail over the water. Peater attempts to check the hold. He smells sulfur and charcoal, so he lights a tindertwig. The hold is filled with wooden crates, each marked with red stamps in Goblin. He quickly extinguishes the match and quietly leaves once Valera orders him in no uncertain terms to UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES READ THOSE FUCKING RUNES, because those crates are probably from a not very nice place run by goblins and fire and goblins that are on fire.
Frumple tries to sneak away to the ship, realizing that things are going to fall apart real soon. As he's moving silently, though, he absent-mindedly gives one long blare on his trumpet and suddenly the mission has changed from "silently sneak aboard and steal the ship" to "Ach! Hans, run!" Frumple starts blaring his signature song as the ship leaves the dock just in time for the guards to arrive, but it's not over yet. The guards run to their battleship, man the cannons, and call out Admiral Whitebeard, a half-giant with a cannon for an arm, who happens to be the most feared mid-shipman first class on the sea. Yes, Admiral is just his first name.
The guards start taking pot-shots at the escaping ship, hitting Valera Oak III hard enough to shatter all four of his limbs and drop him well below 0 hit points. Shiolay had to sweep in to heal him, leaving only the inexperienced Frumple and Peater to pilot the ship by themselves. Frumple got hit by a critical hit cannon ball while in the crow's nest, but in the end, the party was able to sail the ship away without anyone dying, and without the special cargo exploding in their faces.
Episode Three: Next Time on Handiquacks...Edit
BIotN: "I am a sign from the god of Kord! Fear my quack!"
WIotN: "Let's throw a heavy base at the acid monster!" "In a fucking ventilation shaft? Take some goddamn chemistry!"
LotN: "That has got to be the best advertising I've ever seen."
After stealing the Jade Kracken, defacing it, and using acid to burn away the name, the crew sailed to the Goblin bomb-making city of Xenteroth's Tower. Kayodin accidentally cast "contrariness" on himself, and after throwing him down some stairs the crew convinced the Goblin port-master that they didn’t have any port papers because an escaped slave stole it and jumped in the water. Kruglor also bribed him. Once docked the crew came upon a Goblin running around on fire. Theresa the Cleric put him out, and he led them to the factory he came from. There they met Lanik, the bombmaster, who promptly set the Goblin back on fire and sent him out to attract more customers. Halbick Moonin the Rogue promptly shook his hand for his shrewd business sense. The crew brought back to their ship to outfit it with cannons. They also decided to repair and rename their ship, to the XSS Magic Missile, the ship that sails into the darkness.
Having two days to burn, Valera Oak III obviously decides to go to the bar. Everyone follows, and at the bar they meet Ulfgar and his talking chart. He asks them to travel to the top of the tower and retrieve an amulet of wisdom from the treasure room. In return, they could keep whatever else they find. The crew buys a room at the inn to scout out the tower. A plan is formed.
The crew decides to use Valera Oak III‘s duck as a distraction to infiltrate a vent to sneak into the tower. Kayodin enlarges the duck, and Big Smallie the Bard uses ghost sounds to pretend to be an avatar of the god Kord, drawing the attention of the Goblins and promising their god would appear later that day at the well. Kayodin then burns the duck. The Sorcerer runs up and opens the vent, and the rest of the crew starts climbing in. A single Goblin cleric was not fooled by the ruse, however. Kruglor tackles him and chokes him into submission. Valera Oak III attempts to help by shooting the cleric, but instead critically hits Kruglor for max damage. Kruglor was not amused.
The crew encounters an ooze in the ventilation shaft, and uses a combination of grease and gust of wind to blow it out the other end. They then drop soap in it. The crew then uses the Sorcerer’s weasel to activate the Xenteroth's Number puzzle in the next room. There they encounter a set of stairs. Valera Oak III and Kruglor decided to run up the stairs repeatedly, and slide down the stairs numerous times. Professor Kaney the wizard scrys into the next room and sees ghosts. The crew prepares for the encounter, and then go into the room. No ghosts appear until Kruglor kicks the pile of treasure, at which point they show themselves. The wizards blow up a number of the ghosts, with Halbick Moonin attempting to steal a sword right out of a ghost’s hands. It was not amused. The crew finally defeats the ghosts, and divide up the loot. Ulfgar shows up and takes his pendant, and possibly two of the spell books.
Episode Four: Edit
Episode Five: Edit
Season Finale: Edit
Previously/Next Time on Eon Edit
Previous Season: Season Seven: The Throne of Discord
Next Season: Season Nine: The Dark Lantern